Rayman 4: Baddies Unite!
by Block
Summary: After Rayman 3, Rayman thought he had rid the world of all evil by stopping André's evil scheme. Too bad he was wrong... Chapter 13 is up!
1. The Plot Unfolds

Rayman 4: Baddies Unite!  
  
A fanfic by: Block  
  
CHAPTER 1: The Plot Unfolds (wow!)  
  
*After Rayman 3, Rayman and Globox thought they had defeated the Hoodlum threat and transformed Andre back into a Red Lum. Too bad Rayman's own hands backfired the whole plan*  
  
Andre: Well, whatdoyouknow! I'm back!  
  
Left Hand: So he is!  
  
Right Hand: Hey, we can't talk!  
  
Andre: This isn't actually a Rayman game, it's just a fanfic in text. You can do anything you want!  
  
Author (Me): Ahem.  
  
Andre: *sigh* Permitting that idiot author lets you. Now, I have a Hoodlum army to rebuild, and I know the best place. The Heart of the World!  
  
Left Hand: Yeah. Let's somehow walk back and reattach ourselves to that guy.  
  
Right Hand: Sure.  
  
*Andre goes about his routine, touching Red Lums and transforming them into black ones*  
  
Black Lum 1: Dumdeedum! Boss, did yu say da hart of da wurld?  
  
Andre: Yeah, I did. And use the stupid spell checker!  
  
Black Lum 2: Spel chekr? But yu tryd da hart of da wurld last gaim!  
  
Andre: So what. This time, I cannot fail! Come, my brothers. Let's get our Hoodlum army back together.  
  
All Black Lums: YA!!!We rul!!!  
  
*Meanwhile, back at Rayman's sleeping spot*  
  
Rayman: *yawn* Eight o'clock already? Why did I have to spend that all- nighter at the Teensie Tavern? Oh well, live and learn.  
  
Globox: Woohoo that's the spirit you're the best!  
  
Rayman: Could you lay off the flatery PLEASE?  
  
Globox: Sorry. It's just that I still miss Andy.  
  
Rayman: You know, you have to let life pass on. He was just a misguided ball of evil. Now he's doing what he was born to do, be a fluttering, happy, bright Red Lum.  
  
Globox: I DON'T CARE! *starts crying*  
  
Rayman: Now you stop that this instant! Your tears feel like grease!  
  
*Rayman slaps Globox across the face*  
  
Globox: *sniff* Thanks, I needed that.  
  
*Suddenly Andre, on his path to the Fairy Council, crashes into Rayman and enters his mouth*  
  
Andre: OH NO NOT AGAIN!!!  
  
Globox: Andy? Andy is that you! You're back!  
  
Rayman: Globox, I swallowed him.  
  
Globox: So you did. I know! Now you have to give him Plum Juice and float into the air and listen to him bite your stomach line all day!  
  
Rayman: Oh please no.  
  
Andre: Well well well. Now I'm inside Rayman instead! I'm gonna eat you up from the inside out!  
  
Rayman: Wait, I know.  
  
*Rayman's left hand goes into his mouth and pulls Andre out*  
  
Globox: Huh??? Why didn't you just do that with me in the first place?  
  
Rayman: Please. My hand in your mouth! Yuck!  
  
Andre: I have no idea what just happened, but so long, chumps!  
  
*Andre flies towards the Fairy Council at full speed*  
  
Rayman: Shoot. Guess we better stop him again.  
  
Globox: Do I have to come along this time?  
  
Rayman: Oh believe me, you're coming.  
  
Globox: I don't like that look in your eyes. hey Rayman, you're freaking me out.  
  
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN SPACE.  
  
Pirate: The ship is up and running, sir!  
  
Razorbeard: Good. Now I'll finally be able to get revenge on that pathetic Rayman for nearly killing my back there!  
  
Pirate: No way! I couldn't bare to see an entire platoon flattened by that Clark again!  
  
Razorbeard: Idiot.  
  
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN 1995.  
  
Space Mama: I've done it! I've made a time machine that will allow you to travel to 2003 and wipe out Rayman once and for all.  
  
Mr. Sax: Groovy, baby!  
  
Mr. Dark: Excellent. Now, how does it, work?  
  
Moskito: It sayzzz here that you need to prezzzzz that big red button that'zzz left of that big glowing thingy.  
  
Mr. Stone: Duh boss? You're not leaving us, are you? But we'll get so lonely!  
  
Mr. Dark: Yes, unfortunately, I must. And you, you author, stop making me use, so many, commas!  
  
Author: Hey. I lost 70 lives trying to beat your stupid frying pan course. You owe me big time.  
  
Mr. Dark: Bleh.  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE HEART OF THE WORLD (2003 OF COURSE)  
  
Grand Minimus: Doesn't it get kind of boring always listening to the same album for days on end?  
  
Teensie 1: Yeah, it does get sort of dull always doing the same moves all the time.  
  
Teensie 2: I have an idea! Let's kick those turtles around!  
  
Grand Minimus: Sounds like fun.  
  
*The Teensies start kicking the two dancing turtles around the Heart*  
  
Turtle 1: Bah if I was 300 years younger.  
  
Turtle 2: You need a caning!  
  
Turtle 1: Oh the young people today!  
  
Turtle 2: My dentures! I lost my dentures!  
  
Turtle 1: Your parents should have put you in military school!  
  
Turtle 2: No respect! No respect!  
  
Teensie 3: Whee this IS fun!  
  
Grand Minimus: Nothing could break our happy, happy moods now!  
  
*Andre storms into the chamber of the Heart*  
  
Teensie 1: Well THAT was anticlimatic.  
  
*Rayman and Globox appear soon after*  
  
Globox: *slobbering* This is so dumb.  
  
Andre: Rayman! You're too late this time! Now all of you, watch as hundreds of Hoodlums pour out of this heart this very moment!  
  
*Andre tries to fly into the heart, but it obstructed by something*  
  
Andre: What the? The Heart of the World is fake?  
  
Grand Minimus: We had the idea of installing a glass wall around the heart last Wednesday.  
  
Andre: Well. I will return!!! *flies away*  
  
Rayman: Quick, Globox! After him!  
  
Globox: Oh no, you're not dragging me along this time. I'm staying right here!  
  
Rayman: Krffffffff.. fine! Stay here! See if I care! *goes away*  
  
Globox: So. wazzup?  
  
Grand Minimus: Want to kick a turtle?  
  
Globox: Aw but that's mean. Hey! Bring that nice music back and let's dance all day!  
  
Teensie 1: Hey! We made a vow to stop that!  
  
Teensie 2: Don't make us start!  
  
Teensie 3: You can't make us!  
  
Grand Minimus: Globox, we can't take that music anymore. Now just kick a turtle or GET OUT!  
  
*Meanwhile, outside.*  
  
Andre: I have to think of a plan to get into the Heart once and for all!  
  
Rayman: Aha! I found you! Now to transform you with a simple push of the X button.  
  
*Suddenly, Razorbeard's ship lands*  
  
Razorbeard: Rayman, you bum! I will finish you once and for all!  
  
*Suddenly, Mr. Dark appears from the time machine*  
  
Mr. Dark: It's been eight, years, but I will kill you, at last!  
  
Andre: I have no idea who those two guys are, but if they're siding with me, good!  
  
Rayman: Uh. coffee anyone?  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.. 


	2. The Alliance Seperates

CHAPTER 2: The Alliance Seperates (Before it was formed. Go figure)  
  
Andre: Whahahahahaha! Someone hand me a mirror so that jerk can see the expression on his own face!  
  
Razorbeard: Look at the mighty Rayman now!  
  
Mr. Dark: Hahaha,hahah,ahahaha,ha.  
  
Rayman: Okay. I tried the negocations. But you forced me to use force!  
  
Andre: Ooh, nice words there. Forceful force!  
  
Razorbeard: I'll shoot him with my science team's latest invention, the UberRazor Missile!  
  
Mr. Dark: No. I'll kill, him with my, SuperDarkBa,ll.  
  
Razorbeard: Now wait just one minute here! I get to kill him!  
  
Mr. Dark: No. You're wrong. I',ll kill him,!  
  
Razorbeard: Eat missile!  
  
*Razorbeard launches an UberRazor Missile at Mr. Dark, but misses*  
  
Mr. Dark: Hahahaha, what terrib,le aim!  
  
*Mr. Dark throws a SuperDarkBall at Razorbeard. The two are now locked in a bitter missile-ball battle*  
  
Andre: Bah! Who needs them! I'll take care of you!  
  
Rayman: Heh. What can you do to me!  
  
Andre: You think I can't fight? Well, you're right! I can't! Bye!  
  
*Andre flies into the sky*  
  
Rayman: Now I'll take advantage of Razorbeard's ignorance and Mr. Dark's stupitidy to escape!  
  
Razorbeard: *still launching missiles* Aha! Rayman has his back turned. Time to blast him!  
  
Mr. Dark: Wow. Rayman has, his back turned,. Time to shoot h,im! *Both a missile and a dark ball are launched at Rayman, but they collide into each other 1 inch from Rayman's back*  
  
Rayman: Why haven't I still escaped? Well, I musn't dawdle! *escapes*  
  
Razorbeard: Hey you moron! Watch it!  
  
Mr. Dark: Oh yeah,? You want, to play it, rough?  
  
Razorbeard: You'll see. I'll conquer the world and make you my slave!  
  
*Razorbeard's ship flies into the sky*  
  
Mr. Dark: Now I'll, look at this, map, and find out, where I can, invade!  
  
*Mr. Dark flies into the sky*  
  
Author: Hey, Mr. Dark can't fly!  
  
*Mr. Dark falls to the ground*  
  
Mr. Dark: Damn you, author!  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE TEENSIE TAVERN  
  
Rayman: And then there was this bright flash behind my head and I escaped!  
  
Drunk Teensie 1: *hic* Wow, dat's a grate storee.  
  
Drunk Teensie 2: Ur da koolest *hic* guy in da wurld *hic*  
  
Rayman: Thanks you guys! I'm always glad I can trust you drunks!  
  
Bartender: Eh Rayman, when you've been in this business as long as I have, you ain't seen nothin' yet.  
  
Rayman: Huh? I was never a bartender in my life!  
  
Bartender: What about that time at Joe's place when you had to pay off a debt for sinking one of his buoys?  
  
Rayman: That doesn't count.  
  
Drunk Teensie 1: Kum get waisted wit us!  
  
Rayman: uh. I'm sorry guys, I can't get wasted ever. *All chatter and activity in the tavern stops and all eyes look at Rayman*  
  
Bartender: Wha? What did you just say?  
  
Rayman: It's true! Because I have no esophagus, the beer can't get to my torso, so I can't ever get drunk!  
  
Drunk Teensie 2: But wat abowt dat tiem yu dansed nakid on da pul tabel?  
  
Rayman: I was acting. And I'll always regret doing that.  
  
Bartender: You're hearby banned from the Teensie Tavern forever! Get out and never come back!  
  
Rayman: Great. First I have three of my evil nemesises after me, and now I get kicked out of the only place where people actually listened to my amazing stories! What else could go wrong?  
  
MEANWHILE, AT ANDRE'S HIDEOUT (FORMERLY HOODLUM HEADQUARTERS)  
  
Andre: Come, my brothers! Our first priority is to build a new factory to replace the one that Rayman exploded. Then, we will establish communications with those other two guys and together, we will rule this world!  
  
Black Lum 1: Huh? Wat doez communications meen?  
  
Andre: And the stupidity problem of you minions will be solved when I fix the bugs out of the Blood Gusher 2000! I tested that thing on Globox back in the old factory and it sure worked well, but it wore off after a while. I will build a Hoodlum army that's so intelligent that we will probably overcome those other two puddles of goo and that Rayfreak! Who needs them when we will be clearly superior!  
  
All Black Lums: Smartr? YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
MEANWHILE, ON RAZORBEARD'S PIRATE SHIP  
  
Razorbeard: I've called this meeting to discuss a very serious matter. We need to overcome that Dark thing and that black fuzzball in order to achieve complete world domination. Any ideas?  
  
Pirate 1: We could invent a nuke?  
  
Razorbeard: Nah, nuclear fallout makes my joints all slippery.  
  
Pirate 2: We could take Rayman hostage and steal his powers? Razorbeard: Well I, hey! We tried that in Rayman 2! But did it work? Noooooooo! Terminate the fool!  
  
*Pirate 2 is blasted to pieces*  
  
Pirate 3: We could stand here doing nothing?  
  
Razorbeard: Capitol idea! Eliminate him!  
  
*Pirate 3 is blasted to pieces*  
  
Razorbeard: Well, it's all up to you.The other three have been destroyed.  
  
Pirate 1: I wasn't!  
  
Razorbeard: Oh yeah, I forgot about you. *Slices Pirate 1's head off* What's your suggestion?  
  
Pirate 4: Well, I propose that.  
  
MEANWHILE, WHERE MR. DARK IS  
  
Razorbeard: Hey, we didn't finish!  
  
Author: We talked about this. NEVER butt into someone else's scene! *hits the Mute button for "Razorbeard"*  
  
AHEM. MEANWHILE, WHERE MR. DARK IS  
  
Mr. Dark: This is, bad.  
  
*Mr. Dark is inside a rotting jail cell with the sign "Wimp!" posted in large red letters across from the cell*  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	3. Why Robots Shouldn't Get Oiled

CHAPTER 3: Why Robots Shouldn't Get Oiled  
  
MEANWHILE, ON RAZORBEARD'S SHIP  
  
Pirate 4: And that's my suggestion!  
  
Razorbeard: .  
  
Pirate 4: Huh? Could you say that again?  
  
Razorbeard: .  
  
Pirate 4: Hey, author guy? Could you un-mute him?  
  
Author: Sure. What's the point of having him here if he can't talk?  
  
Razorbeard: Ah. It feels better to talk again. Now I like your suggestion. It involves *MUTE* . *UN-MUTE* which I like. Now if you could only invent something to destroy the mute button?  
  
Pirate 4: Even if they don't hear it now, they'll see it eventually. Right, Mr. Author sir?  
  
Author: Don't talk to me. Just for that, I'm ending your scene early.  
  
Razorbeard: WHY YOU LITTLE PIECE OF  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE NEW HOODLUM HEADQUARTERS  
  
Andre: These are the best of times, my brothers! Not only have we rebuilt the factory in two minutes, I've fixed the bugs in the Blood Gusher 2000! Here comes the first test subject now.  
  
*A Hoodblaster comes out of a doorway*  
  
Hoodblaster: Salutations, lord Andre. I proclaim this marvel of technology an absolute advancement in Hoodlum intelligence.  
  
Andre: See? It works! Now, anyone who wants to become smarter, please push and shove your way into this little machine right here.  
  
*All the Black Lums float idly*  
  
Andre: Go! GO! Aw come on, don't you want to rule the world?  
  
Black Lum 1: But we liek beeing stoopid!  
  
Black Lum 2: Ya! Dis is da lief!  
  
Andre: *sigh* Free whiskey on Friday nights from eight to eight o'five for all who enter the stupid machine.  
  
All Black Lums: OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*All the Black Lums crowd into the Blood Gusher 2000*  
  
Andre: Hahahahahahahaha! Soon, I will have a Hoodlum army that will be unbeatable! Why not? Why don't I taunt in Rustbucket's face!  
  
*Andre flies up to a viewscreen, presses a few buttons and brings up the inside of Razorbeard's private cabin*  
  
Razorbeard: Oh Sally, where would I be without you. This is soooooo nice.  
  
Andre: Did I come at a bad time?  
  
*Razorbeard, with a wet towel around his battery, turns his head to the viewscreen*  
  
Razorbeard: Huh? What the? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen fuzzball, do NOT bother me when I'm getting oiled and rustproofed!  
  
Andre: Oiled? Rustproofed? Someone's been getting naughty.  
  
Razorbeard: Listen fuzzball, NOBODY disturbs me when I'm getting fixed up. Now why the hell did you call me?  
  
Andre: Oh, I just wanted to tell you that in moments, my Hoodlum army will be so powerful and intelligent that we will come for you when they are ready.  
  
Razorbeard: Well that's nice. I have a new toy myself! It's big, it's powerful and it'll kick your sorry army from here back to Saturn!  
  
Andre: Whatever. But just for sanitary purposes, keep it inside your tin groin.  
  
Razorbeard: How dare you!!!  
  
Andre: Goodbye, El Perverto.  
  
*The window shuts off*  
  
Razorbeard: That guy makes me so mad. Men! Get the Destroyer Pirate ready for action!  
  
Pirate 5: But sir! We're not done testing its half-life yet!  
  
Razorbeard: Don't tell me what I can and can't do.  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE HEART OF THE WORLD  
  
Rayman: You know Globox, I don't think getting kicked out of the tavern was so bad. I mean, the air was kind of polluted there, everyone acting all twisted and drunk and the maniac bartender. I still wonder what it's like to get drunk.  
  
Murfy: Come on kid, being sober sucks. I learned that somewhere in the Marshes of Awakening. I tell you, that Elixir of Life really gets you twisted. I tell you, alcohol changed my life!  
  
Rayman: Yeah. You went from helpful sidekick to sarcastic screwball in only one game.  
  
Teensie 1: Huh? You mean you've never gotten drunk?  
  
Rayman: I can't.  
  
Grand Minimus: *desperately holding laughter in* Well, why not?  
  
Rayman: No esophagus.  
  
*All the Teensies in the Heart explode in laughter*  
  
Rayman: Why is that so funny?  
  
Globox: Meh, I don't find it funny. Besides, there might be another way you can experience that sweet plum juice induced feeling.  
  
Rayman: There is?  
  
Murfy: Sure. Here, I came across a can of Laser Detergent from Rayman 3.  
  
Rayman: So?  
  
Globox: Let me see it. Hmm? It's expired?  
  
Murfy: Exactly! I heard that expired washing detergent gets you wacked ten times more effectively than fermented plum juice. Go on, try it!  
  
*Rayman steps into the can. A tinted glow erupts from its top*  
  
Rayman: Hey! I'm chaaaaaaaaanging.  
  
*Another Teensie comes into the Heart at that moment*  
  
Teensie 4: Rayman! Andre and Razorbeard are going to duel in the most arid part of Clearleaf Forest! Quick, Funkyboard there and destroy them!  
  
Murfy: Uh, I think we have a problem.  
  
Rayman: *hic* So you see, the problem with you guys is *hic* you're too boring! Lighten up and *hic* smell the flowers. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *faints*  
  
Globox: I knew he should have just drank the plum juice.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	4. The Chaos of Clearleaf

CHAPTER 4: The Chaos of Clearleaf  
  
Murfy: Oh man. With Rayman out of commission, who will ever fight them?  
  
Globox: I'm getting a bit tired of him getting all the glory anyway.  
  
Grand Minimus: But if Rayman cannot fight, who can?  
  
Murfy: Well, I picked up some wicked karate skills in between this and Rayman 3. That and the fact that I can fly makes me one big killing machine!  
  
*Everyone stares at Murfy*  
  
Murfy: What? What'd I say?  
  
Globox: Murfy, don't you remember my secret power?  
  
Murfy: No. You get drunk and fly?  
  
Globox: Ugh. Here's a hint: Rayman 2, The Canopy.  
  
Murfy: Blank.  
  
Teensie 1: Enough with the riddles! Tell us!  
  
Globox: I can create those rain clouds.  
  
Murfy: Oh yeah, that. I thought you lost that power! You never used it at all in Rayman 3!  
  
Globox: My liver controls the power, and during that game I had just recovered from major liver surgery. You think I could have used it there? And besides, the doc said that I should always be careful about using it again because I could get a relapse.  
  
Teensies: We can make stuff appear!  
  
Grand Minimus: Hmm. Aha! I propose that Globox, Murfy and you three Teensies form up and create your own strike force!  
  
Globox: Hey, you might be onto something there!  
  
Murfy: Yeah, so what. I just wanna kick those psychos!  
  
Teensie 2: What should we be called?  
  
Globox: Let's call ourselves TARC!  
  
Everyone except Globox: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Globox: Uh, oops. I meant, um, SF. Sidekick Force!  
  
Murfy: Nah, too obvious.  
  
Grand Minimus: I think you should leave it for later, because I'm getting a message. Whoa! Andre and Razorbeard are approaching each other in the Masterkaag arena!  
  
Globox: What's a Masterkaag?  
  
Murfy: You know, that Hoodlum on those giant legs.  
  
Globox: Oh yeah, him.  
  
Grand Minimus: No time for Funkyboard lessons!  
  
*Grand Minimus crams everyone onto his helicopter and jumps into the Teensie Highway*  
  
Murfy: I knew it, we're time travelling. Look! The 70s are upon us again!  
  
Globox: Nah. It's just a bunch of music and backgrounds.  
  
Grand Minimus: Okay, I'm letting you off here. Now go beat them.  
  
*Grand Minimus tries to press a button that will release our heroes, but it malfunction and grips them harder instead*  
  
Globox: Ack! This thing is crushing me!  
  
Murfy: Oh man, my left wing is not looking good.  
  
Teensie 1: What's going on up there?  
  
Grand Minimus: Oh dear. It won't let go. Come on you stupid thing, release cargo already!  
  
Murfy: Could you hurry it up please? My left wing is about to split in half!  
  
Grand Minimus: Bah! Only one thing left to do.  
  
*The helicopter goes through the warp to the Land of the Livid Dead and crash lands in front of the giant glass tower*  
  
Teensie 2: Next time, I fly.  
  
Murfy: This is JUST great. Not only are we miles away from Clearleaf Forest, half of my left wing is missing!  
  
Globox: And there's this strange plastic-like thing in my mouth.  
  
Teensie 2: Hey, isn't that Murfy's wing?  
  
Globox: Huh? *pulls it out of the mouth* So it is!  
  
Murfy: Why you stupid little thing! Now I'll have to wait 7.63 hours before my wing fully regenerates. And who knows what's going on in Clearleaf Forest now!  
  
*silence*  
  
Murfy: Ahem. And who knows what's going on in Clearleaf Forest now!  
  
*silence*  
  
Murfy: Who knows what, who knows what. SWITCH SCENES ALREADY!!!  
  
*silence*  
  
Globox: Please switch scenes?  
  
Author: There's the magic word.  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE MASTERKAAG ARENA  
  
Andre: My brothers! Now that we have two thousand intelligent Hoodlums ready for battle, we will be unstoppable! Let's show that Razorfreak what we're made of!  
  
All Hoodlums: Acknowledged, lord Andre!  
  
Andre: Aha, here comes his little pirate ship now.  
  
Razorbeard: You little punk! You will pay for what you did last chapter! I will use my ultimate weapon, the Destroyer Pirate!  
  
Andre: Huh? I've read about your Robo-Pirates, and I conclude they're the weakest things ever! Even a common Slapdash can beat them into the ground in no time flat!  
  
Razorbeard: Oh, but you see, the Destroyer Pirate is not like my other men. Engage!  
  
*Razorbeard pulls out a remote control and presses a button. The bottom hatch of the ship opens and out falls the Destroyer Pirate. All the Hoodlums gasp*  
  
Hoodblaster: Its power must be incomprehensible!  
  
Hoodboom: We won't stand a chance!  
  
Andre: Come on now! Have the mighty Hoodlums turned cowardly? Now fight it!  
  
*All the Hoodlums approach the Destroyer Pirate. The big hunk of metal is run by two gigantic caterpillar tracks, has a mobile cannon on its left arm, a manipulator hook on the right, has a head like a common Robo-Pirate but with a bomb launcher on the top of its head*  
  
Razorbeard: Go! Attack!  
  
*The Destroyer Pirate fires a pulse of liquid fire from its arm cannon. Several Hoodlums get vaporized*  
  
Hoodblaster: Okay grunts! Shoot it!  
  
*All the Hoodblasters aim at the center of the Destroyer Pirate, but there is no effect*  
  
Hoodoo: It must be made of cobalt! The frequencies on our weapons have no effect against cobalt, but its head might be vulnerable.  
  
Hoodblaster: You! Hoodstormers! Fly up and attack the head!  
  
All Hoodstormers: OK!  
  
Hoodblaster: You be our only ho*gets vaporized by the liquid fire*  
  
*The Hoodstormers fly up above the Destroyer Pirate's head and fire at it. The pirate takes damage*  
  
Hoodstormer 1: Aha! Let's keep shooting it till it explodes!  
  
Hoodstormer 2: Lord Andre will be so proud! We'll get a raise!  
  
*The Destroyer Pirate tries to aim its arm cannon straight up, but realizing it cannot, switches to its head-mounted bomb launcher and fires*  
  
Hoodstormer 3: Oh no! This isn't good!  
  
*The Hoostormers are locked in a battle to avoid the bombs, while the Hoodlums down below struggle to even make a dent in the Destroyer Pirate's armor*  
  
Razorbeard: Mwahahahahaha! How do you like it, fuzzball?  
  
Andre: This isn't over yet! My Hoodstormers will turn your robot into a pile of scrap very soon. Just you wait!  
  
*While the battle rages on, there is a sudden explosion in the side of the arena. After the dust clears, out comes Mr. Dark!*  
  
Razorbeard: What the? How'd you get here?  
  
Mr. Dark: No prison can hold me. And look! The commas are gone!  
  
Andre: But that's impossible! How could you have possibly gotten rid of them?  
  
Mr. Dark: The Dark Spirits helped me. And now, they will own both of you and your armies in minutes!  
  
Razorbeard: The Dark Spirits? You made that up!  
  
Mr. Dark: Oh really? *takes out a staff and points it to the sky* Dark Spirits of the apocalypse, come and destroy my enemies! Alerkhaopyimhahastumpy!  
  
*The sky suddenly turns black. Large balls of energy fall down and dig into the ground. From the holes comes out the Dark Spirits, skull shaped black entities that begin to cloud themselves around the Hoodlums and the Destroyer Pirate*  
  
Andre: My Hoodlums! What the heck are you doing!  
  
Mr. Dark: Oh noble Dark Spirits, cloud their minds and their bodies, and dispose of these two losers! The fuzzball and the rustbucket!  
  
*The Dark Spirits envelop Andre and Razorbeard. The two are now unconscious and dying*  
  
Mr. Dark: We are clearly superior!  
  
*The Destroyer Pirate gives one last creak before falling dead. Many Hoodlums are now lying on the ground and the Black Lums inside are motionless. Only a few are still moving*  
  
Mr. Dark: Nothing can stop me now!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	5. Through the Bog

CHAPTER 5: Through the Bog  
  
*It seems that Mr. Dark will surely destroy both Razorbeard and Andre's armies easily with the Dark Spirits doing all the dirty work*  
  
Mr. Dark: Nothing can stop me now!  
  
Slapdash: *cough* When you say that, something will surely happen. Ugh. *faints*  
  
Hoodblaster: *dragging himself on the ground towards his gun* Just a few more feet. I can make it, I musn't let lord Andre down. Come on, I can make it! No! I can't stop! Ughffffa *faints*  
  
Mr. Dark: But which one of you can stop me if none of you can even lift yourselves up?  
  
*The few remaining Hoodlums who are still moving faint. The Dark Spirits begin to wrap themselves around everything in the arena, including Andre and Razorbeard*  
  
Mr. Dark: Come, my Dark Spirits! Today will surely be a banquet like no other!  
  
*As Mr. Dark starts to laugh, a rock over his head becomes dislodged and conks him. This causes him to recoil and drop his staff*  
  
Mr. Dark: Wa? OH NO!  
  
*The Dark Spirits suddenly leave the bodies of all on the battlefield and sink back into the ground. The sky clears up. The trauma of this event causes the staff to overload and explode*  
  
Mr. Dark: This can't be happening.  
  
*All the Hoodlums on the arena begin to regain consciousness. The Destroyer Pirate restarts as well and gets up*  
  
Hoodblaster: Okay everyone! Aim at that black thing!  
  
*Every Hoodlum and the Destroyer Pirate aims at Mr. Dark and fires*  
  
Mr. Dark: OW IT BURNS! I'LL BE BACK! *runs away*  
  
Hoodstormer: Now let's get Andre and get out of here! All that commotion with those black balls sure made me hungry and tired.  
  
*All the Hoodlums go off to see Andre, but they realize he is still lying on the ground, unconscious*  
  
Hoodoo: The Dark Spirits must have corrupted him too much! We must take him to rehab at once! I can still feel a mild pulse inside him.  
  
*The Hoodoo grabs Andre and all the Hoodlums exit the field. Meanwhile, a gang of Robo-Pirates aboard Razorbeard's ship come to see what's going on*  
  
Pirate 1: We just heard a lot of low-pitched booms and then nothing! What's going on, boss?  
  
*Razorbeard is lying motionless on the deck*  
  
Pirate 2: Hey boss, you ok?  
  
Pirate 3: Are you just taking a nap?  
  
*Pirate 2 uses a mild shock gun on Razorbeard, but there is no effect*  
  
Pirate 1: Aw! His battery must have been completely devestated!  
  
Pirate 2: Man this is not good!  
  
Pirate 3: Let's get him back!  
  
*The three Robo-Pirates grab Razorbeard and drag him towards the recovery center. The Destroyer Pirate on the field is sucked into the bottom of the ship, which departs into the sky*  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE PATCH OF ROCK IN BETWEEN THE BOG OF MURK AND THE LAND OF THE LIVID DEAD  
  
Globox: Okay, so we're supposed to go back to Clearleaf Forest, right?  
  
Murfy: DUH! Like you didn't know that!  
  
Globox: Hey, just because you have a missing wing doesn't mean you can talk to me like that!  
  
Grand Minimus: Who cares. Anyway, we have to cross through the Bog of Murk in order to reach Clearleaf Forest. According to my triangulation, it's about twelve feet away.  
  
Globox: Twelve feet! You lie!  
  
Grans Minimus: Just walk forwards a little bit.  
  
*Globox continues forward but trips and falls right onto a large mushroom surrounded by piranha infested waters*  
  
Globox: Ow, my liver.  
  
Teensie 1: Let's go!  
  
*Grand Minimus and the three Teensies jump down to the mushroom*  
  
Murfy: Hey guys, what about me?  
  
Globox: When your wing grows back, try and find us!  
  
Grand Minumus: We've got problems of our own now.  
  
*The mushroom where Globox and the Teensies are standing on is in the middle of nowhere*  
  
Globox: Great. So where's land?  
  
Teensie 2: Over there in the distance! I see a light!  
  
Globox: Huh? Hey, isn't that light the mansion of that freaky lizard hunter guy?  
  
Grand Minimus: It just might! Globox, are you any good at swimming?  
  
Globox: Yeah, I think so.  
  
Grand Minimus: Good! *shoves Globox into the water*  
  
Globox: *splash* Hey, what was that for?  
  
Teensie 3: You're our raft!  
  
*The four Teensies jump on top of Globox*  
  
Grand Minimus: Now swim!  
  
Globox: Fine.  
  
*Globox paddles towards the mansion at a sluggish speed*  
  
Teensie 1: Come on! I'm thirsty already!  
  
Grand Minimus: Can't this thing go any faster?  
  
Globox: I hate swimming.  
  
*A whole school of piranhas comes up in front of Globox*  
  
Globox: AAH! PIRANHAS!  
  
*Globox starts to swim rapidly in a circle*  
  
Grand Minimus: Swim towards the mansion already!  
  
Globox: I'M TRYING I'M TRYING!  
  
*One piranha bites Globox's left foot*  
  
Globox: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  
  
*Globox speeds across the water like a torpedo and crashes into a wall at an unbearable speed*  
  
Globox: Wow. That surprisingly didn't hurt much.  
  
Teensie 2: That's because we were your airbag.  
  
Globox: Huh? *moves away from the wall only to see the four Teensies flattened on his stomach* Oh!  
  
*Globox takes them and blows in them, inflating them*  
  
Grand Minimus: *gasp* Too much air!  
  
*Globox sucks some air back out. The Teensies return to normal*  
  
Globox: Well, what do you know. We're right in front of his mansion!  
  
Teensie 2: Where there's a mansion, there's bound to be food! And I'm starved!  
  
Globox: You know, that snake guy met up with that fat toad when I last saw him. You don't suppose they're inside?  
  
Grand Minimus: They might. And if they are, whoo nelly! I'm gonna sell the tapes on ebay and make a fortune!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	6. It's All a Game: Part 1

CHAPTER 6: It's All a Game (part 1)  
  
*Globox, Grand Mimimus and Teensies 1 through 3 enter Razoff's mansion*  
  
Globox: Huh. This place seems pretty empty.  
  
Teensie 1: Wow, this place sure is huge.  
  
Grand Minimus: But doesn't it seem quite strange all the rooms are blocked off? *slam* And the door behind us just slammed shut???  
  
Globox: It might be a trap.  
  
Author: Acutally, it isn't. You're the first five contestants on the Razoff Manor Challenge! Every room, except for the lobby, has been completely changed in order to give you the most exciting and danger, er, exhilarating moments of your life!  
  
Teensie 2: What the hell? You have to be kidding me!  
  
Author: Your challenge is to recover the five silver keys hidden in the mansion. You might even find characters here that you might have seen before previously! So tread carefully!  
  
Globox: Hey, just who are you anyway? And where is your voice coming from?  
  
Author: Due to a recent lawsuit, I can't reveal that information. Now, just to avoid making your quest easy, the five of you will have to split up! There are four main doors in the lobby, but to the one who is the most brave, you can try the basement. DUMDUMDUMDUM!  
  
Grand Minimus: Alright already.  
  
Author: NO GO BEFORE I BURN THIS STUPID PLACE DOWN!  
  
*The four Teensies run into the four doors, which immediately slam shut*  
  
Globox: *sigh* Looks like it's the basement for me.  
  
WHERE TEENSIE 1 IS  
  
Teensie 1: Uh, okay. I can't see a thing. Could you light up the room perhaps?  
  
???: Find the silver key, little one!  
  
Teensie 1: Huh? Who said that?  
  
???: Just find the stupid key!  
  
Teensie 1: Man, this is going to be hard. Hey, wait a sec. I'm a Teensie from the Heart of the World, so I can make stuff appear!  
  
*Teensie 1 causes a flame to appear in the middle of the room, therefore lighting it up*  
  
Teensie 1: Whoa. Good thing I could have done that. There's spikes and acid everywhere! Now where's that mysterious silver key?  
  
TEENSIE 1 HAS CHEATED. SCORE: -1  
  
Teensie 1: Huh? I did so not cheat!  
  
TEENSIE 1 HAS LIED. SCORE: -2  
  
Teensie 1: Now wait just a second here!  
  
TEENSIE 1 IS A JERK. SCORE: -1000002  
  
Teensie 1: Fine, be that way. Now where's that key?  
  
*Teensie 1 spots the key in a corner of the room. As he goes to pick it up, ??? emerges*  
  
???: It's me!  
  
Teensie 1: Who?  
  
???: Me! Moskito!  
  
Teensie 1: Uh.  
  
Moskito: I said it's me! Moskito!  
  
Teensie 1: Do I know you?  
  
Moskito: Oh, come on! Rayman 1, the Enchanted Forest!  
  
Teensie 1: You see, I don't know you because I didn't exist back in Rayman 1.  
  
Moskito: You didn't exist? Why? WHY? WHY DID HE PLAY SUCH A CRUEL JOKE ON ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *flies into a spike and drops into an acid pool* Remember me as a patriot!  
  
Teensie 1: Um, okay. That was easy.  
  
*Teensie 1 grabs the key and pockets it. The doors open*  
  
Author: Congratulations, Teensie 1! You found the first key with a point total of negative one million and two! Here's your prize: A lifetime supply of Begoniax's toenail clippings!  
  
Teensie 1: OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!! *runs away back into the lobby*  
  
WELL, TEENSIE 1 GOT WHAT HE DESERVED. LET'S CHECK UP ON TEENSIE 3  
  
Teensie 3: Now now we can talk about this!  
  
Axel: No we can't. I am gonna smash you so bad!  
  
Teensie 3: Look. Just because you're the guardian of Polokus' first mask and there's a giant pool of freezing water surrounding us doesn't mean I need to get smashed!  
  
Axel: Oh what a touching story! You think that will save you?  
  
Teensie 3: Uh, no?  
  
Axel: Exactly! *charges towards Teensie 3*  
  
Teensie 3: I want my mommy!  
  
*Just as Axel is about to ram Teensie 3, he trips and falls on his head*  
  
Axel: Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! *explodes*  
  
AXEL HAS JUST COMMITED SUICIDE. SCORE: 56  
  
Teensie 3: Huh? Wha? 56! Oh yeah! I rule!  
  
Author: But it doesn't count if you don't find the silver key!  
  
Teensie 3: Actually, I can just take my normal key and spray paint it silver. There's nothing in the rules that prevents it!  
  
Author: Aw! Don't do that! Stupid loopholes in the damn rulebook. *sigh* For a score of positive fifty-six, here's your prize: A snowball in the face.  
  
*splat*  
  
TEENSIE 3 IS A JERK AS WELL. LET'S SEE WHAT THE BRAVE TEENSIE 2 IS DOING  
  
Teensie 2: No need to. I just got the key while you were wasting your time there.  
  
Author: But? How?  
  
Teensie 2: Easy. I layed waste to about a million Toons in a couple of minutes. Heh.  
  
TEENSIE 2 COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF. SCORE: 0  
  
Teensie 2: Huh? All that and I end up with a score of zero?  
  
Author: Hahahaha! Here's your prize: NOTHING!  
  
Teensie 2: Why you stupid little *mutters swear words under his breath*  
  
TEENSIE 2 IS A POTTYMOUTH. SCO Teensie 2: NONONONONO I TAKE IT BACK!!!  
  
THAT'S BETTER. I WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM POSITIVE TWELVE QUADRILLION POINTS, BUT WHO CARES. LET'S SEE WHAT GOOD OLD GRAND MINUMUS IS DOING.  
  
*silence*  
  
Author: Aw jeez, is the camera in the lava pit broken again!? Sheesh! I knew we should have fireproofed it!  
  
DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTES, WE'LL JUST ASSUME GRAND MIMIMUS GOT THE KEY AND WON A HALF USED KETCHUP PACKET. NOW, LET'S CHECK ON THE BRAVE GLOBOX IN THE BASEMENT  
  
Globox: Huh? It doesn't seem any different.  
  
Razoff: That's what you think. I will finally hunt you once and for all!  
  
Globox: Heheheheh. Oh crap.  
  
*Globox runs around Razoff's basement avoiding his shots*  
  
Razoff: The trap has sprung! Soon, I will have a nice, fat blue rug for my clock room!  
  
Begoniax: Now honey, we talked about this. Lay off the hunting and get into bed!  
  
Razoff: Aw! But it's only eight o'clock!  
  
Begoniax: You're already three hours past your curfew you disobedient brat!  
  
*Begoniax grabs Razoff and caries him off*  
  
Razoff: Globox! Help me! Get me away from this madwoman!  
  
Globox: Tell you what. I'll shoo her away if you give me the silver key.  
  
Razoff: Fine! I'll do anything!  
  
*Razoff throws the final silver key at Globox, who then picks it up and walks away*  
  
Globox: Hahahahaha! Sucker!  
  
Razoff: No! NO! HELP ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
YOU BETRAYED RAZOFF. SCORE: 3940930965012435089056879068094960950795  
  
Globox: All right! I'm the best!  
  
Author: Your prize is: A free luxury Funkyboard complete with autopilot and butt massager!  
  
Globox: Cool!  
  
*Globox walks into the lobby where he meets up with the other four Teensies*  
  
Author: Good job. Now that you have all five keys, it's time to go onto the final challenge!  
  
Teensie 2: What final challenge? We've been everywhere in the mansion!  
  
Author: Not everywhere!  
  
*A trapdoor opens and all five characters drop into it*  
  
???: It's time to end their pathetic quest right here. I myself will destroy them and tear them limb from limb Then they'll know how it feels!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	7. It's All a Game: Part 2

CHAPTER 7: It's All a Game (part 2)  
  
*Globox and the four Teensies thud on the ground after falling through the trap door*  
  
Teensie 2: Man, I hate falling from high places.  
  
Teensie 1: Yeah. The last time I visited Rytus, he told me I was highly allergic to being splattered on the ground.  
  
Globox: Splattered? You're barely even flattened!  
  
Grand Minimus: Enough of that. Did anyone else hear a strange voice that said that it would tear us limb from limb and "then they'll see how it feels."  
  
Teensie 3: Come to think of it, I think I did.  
  
Globox: Oh come on! The only person here who has absolutely no limbs is.  
  
All: RAYMAN!  
  
???: That's right. But too bad I'm not him.  
  
Grand Minimus: But who exists other than Rayman who has no limbs?  
  
Globox: Hang on a second. Rayman told me once that back in his salad days, everyone had no limbs. I think it was called Rayman 1 or something, but to me, it's nothing but a fairy tale. Hey, you must be an enemy from 4-1!  
  
???: Nope.  
  
Globox: Uhhhhhhhhhh, how about 5-2?  
  
???: No.  
  
Globox: 1-3? 2-1? 4-3?  
  
???: NO! And they're not just numbers, they have names you know!  
  
Teensie 1: You know, this would be a lot easier if you could just tell us who you are.  
  
???: I wasn't even supposed to be here. I was just added here for no apparent reason, so now I'm leaving. Bye!  
  
*??? vanishes*  
  
Teensie 3: Okay. That was weird.  
  
Grand Minimus: So where's this final challenge you speak of?  
  
Author: You'll see.  
  
*A huge glass screen appears out of nowhere in front of the characters*  
  
Teensie 2: A glass wall?  
  
Author: Like I said, you'll see.  
  
*The wall continues to move forward and begins to smush Globox and the Teensies against the back wall*  
  
Globox: My poor liver.  
  
Teensie 2: No! This wall is crushing me!  
  
Teensie 3: Mmmmmhhmmmmmhhhhhffffffmmfhhhhhh!  
  
*Just when it looks like the wall will crush them, they suddenly get sucked right into it*  
  
Author: Good. I knew my ImperviMonitor 2.52 would work.  
  
Globox: You mean we're not dead?  
  
Author: You'll get out alive if you can survive for one day inside this thing!  
  
Teensie 2: And what exactly is this thing?  
  
*The glass wall suddenly shrinks, with the characters inside shrinking in proporiton. The wall then floats in thin air and attaches itself to a plastic box*  
  
Globox: Why are we being shrunk and attached to a plastic box?  
  
Author: This is no ordinary plastic box. You'll see. Now just to press this little "power" button.  
  
*The author presses the button. The entire screen goes black*  
  
Teensie 1: Hey, we lost the picture.  
  
Globox: Nah, we didn't. Hey, look at the pretty gray letters and numbers!  
  
Grand Minimus: 109404 KB Complete? Press DEL for Setup? What is all this?  
  
*The screen suddenly turns bright blue*  
  
Teensie 3: Wow, there's a flag with four colors in it. And look! Microsoft Windows 98?  
  
Globox: Hey guys, you don't suppose we're stuck inside a computer?  
  
Teensie 1: Well, all we've seen so far looks a lot like one.  
  
*The screen turns black again*  
  
Teensie 2: We lost the picture again!  
  
Globox: No we didn't! Look at that floating white arrow!  
  
Teensie 3: And there's this funny box down there that says "Start".  
  
Grand Minimus: And why did a whole bunch of large icons just suddenly appear in the left side of the screen?  
  
Author: You'll catch on soon. Now, to connect to the Internet.  
  
*The mouse pointer double clicks on an icon and the computer connects*  
  
Teensie 3: Well, nothing's changed.  
  
Author: That's what you think! I'm off to the store to get the groceries. Have fun with the popups!  
  
*the Author disappears*  
  
Globox: *gulp* Popups?  
  
*A pop-up window appears*  
  
Teensie 1: Wow! Click here to receive your free gifts!  
  
Globox: Don't! These things are always rigged.  
  
Pop-up Window 1: GRR! POP-UP SMASH!  
  
*The window suddenly splits its left side like a mouth and begins to chomp*  
  
Teensie 3: Should we run?  
  
Globox: YES!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Pop-up Window 1: EAT PUNY RAYMAN CHARACTERS! SMASH!  
  
*The pop-up window starts to move towards the five. They take refuge in a nearby folder*  
  
Pop-up Window 1: GRR! I NEED HELP! COME ON GUYS!  
  
*Two other pop-up windows appear, both with mouth-like gashes. One says "Buy this super secret camera and spy on your unsuspecting victims!", the other says "Lose weight fast! Throw up!"*  
  
Pop-up Window 2: YOU WANT OUR HELP?  
  
Pop-up Window 1: YES! EAT AND SMASH PUNY RAYMAN CHARACTERS IN FOLDER!  
  
Pop-up Window 3: Must we use caps?  
  
Pop-up Windows 1 and 2: YES!!!  
  
*The three pop-ups rip open the folder*  
  
Teensie 1: CRAP! And we're in a dead-end, too!  
  
Teensie 2: Globox! Give me something to block their path!  
  
Globox: Hang on hang on, I'm looking!  
  
*Globox rips a loose file from the folder, then hands it to Teensie 2*  
  
Teensie 2: A file? What am I supposed to do with this?  
  
Globox: Improvise!  
  
Teensie 2: Uh, okay. Back you nasty pop-up windows!  
  
Teensie 3: Hey Grand Minimus, you've been pretty quiet all this time.  
  
Grand Minimus: *thinking* I must contact the Heart of the World, only it can help us now.  
  
Globox: Hello? Anyone home?  
  
Grand Minimus: *thinking* Into the deepest regions of my subconscious. I must contact Polokus.  
  
Teensie 2: Hey Globox! Get me another file. They chewed through the first one.  
  
Grand Minimus: *in his subconscious* Oh Polokus, spirit of this noble world! Send us assistance in this time of peril!  
  
Polokus: *in his dream world* I sense your disturbance call, child. Fear not, I have sent assistance.  
  
Grand Minimus: *in his subconscious* Please tell me oh Polokus, what assistance have you brought upon us?  
  
Polokus: *in his dream world* That is for you to discover.  
  
*While Grand Minimus and Polokus are still contacting each other, Globox and Teensies 1 to 3 are running towards a back room*  
  
Globox: Man, they chewed through eight files???  
  
Teensie 2: Yeah, and they wouldn't stop blabbering about smashing and eating us!  
  
Teensie 1: Not to mention old GM here. He's stiff as a board!  
  
Globox: There's the room! Get in and lock the freaking door!  
  
*The door slams shut and is locked*  
  
Pop-up Window 2: THEY LOCKED THE DOOR!  
  
Pop-up Window 1: EAT IT! THEN SMASH RAYMAN CHARACTERS!  
  
*The Pop-up windows bite the door into little pieces. Globox and the Teensies are cornered in the room*  
  
Globox: This is the end!  
  
Teensie 2: Well, it's been nice knowing you guys!  
  
Teensie 3: Listen. I really didn't want it to end this way.  
  
Pop-up Window 3: EAT NOW!  
  
*Just as the three pop-ups are about to devour the characters, Grand Minimus awakens and the screen suddenly turns blue*  
  
Teensie 1: Whoa! That was close!  
  
Globox: And look! It says: WARNING! The program has become unstable and will be terminated. Fatal error in: C:/SYSTEM/POLOKUS.DLL  
  
Grand Minimus: So it is done. The great Polokus has saved us all.  
  
Teensie 1: Since when could you communicate with Polokus behind our backs???  
  
Grand Minimus: Telepathy, I guess.  
  
Globox: Just another thing. How are we gonna get out of here?  
  
Teensie 2: And we have to do it before the Author comes back! Otherwise we'll never get out!  
  
Globox: Hang on a second. *puts his index fingers on the sides of his head*  
  
Teensie 3: Um, what are you doing?  
  
*Murfy suddenly appears outside the monitor*  
  
Murfy: You called?  
  
Teensie 1: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.  
  
Globox: I knew it would get us out of a jam sometime. Looks like your wing grew back, too.  
  
Murfy: Yep. So let me see, you're stuck inside this computer, right?  
  
Teensie 2: Yep.  
  
Murfy: And I should get you out before the Author comes back?  
  
Globox: YES!  
  
Murfy: Hmm, I don't know a thing about making CPU characters into real life ones. And geez! This blue screen is really annoying! I'll just press Ctrl- Alt-Delete.  
  
All inside the computer: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*But it is too late. The buttons are pressed and the blue screen disappears, along with Globox and the Teensies*  
  
Murfy: Huh? What? Oh no, I've lost them forever!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	8. The Hoodlums' Demise

CHAPTER 8: The Hoodlums' Demise  
  
*About the same time as Globox and the Teensies disappeared after Murfy's big mistake, the Hoodlums were working out a plan to destroy their enemies*  
  
Hoodblaster 1: We need a different approach. That Destroyer Pirate is too powerful for us until we can get the Lavomatrixes ready, but we're on a shortage of washing machines.  
  
Hoodstormer 1: If only Lord Andre would regain consciousness, he would think of a master plan to eliminate the pirates!  
  
Hoodoo: I've been working on a recovery spell that should work. Let me try it out.  
  
*The Hoodoo fires a green ball of magic at Andre. The black Lum rolls across the floor, still motionless*  
  
Hoodstormer 2: Yeah great work!  
  
*Andre continues to roll across the floor and falls into a storm drain*  
  
Hoodstormer 2: YOU IDIOT!  
  
Hoodoo: Uh, I guess it still needs tweaking.  
  
Hoodboom: You need tweaking! *throws a bunch of explosives at the Hoodoo, killing him*  
  
*Andre is caught in a draft and after several hours, is sucked up a narrow pipe, where he finally awakens*  
  
Andre: What the? Last thing I remember I was fighting the Destroyer Pirate and, hey wait a sec, where the heck am I?  
  
*A Teensie on the other end hears a muffled voice coming from his tap*  
  
Teensie 4: Man, us Teensies sure get hairy sometimes. That voice though, it's kind of annoying. Nothing a needle can't fix!  
  
*The Teensie shoves a hat pin into the faucet. He can now hear very loud, muffled screams*  
  
Teensie 4: Shoot! Better get the plumber.  
  
TWO HOURS LATER  
  
Teensie 4: How did YOU get a job as a plumber?  
  
Clark: Eh, budget cuts. What's the problem here?  
  
Teensie 4: There's this thing that's blocking my tap. It's making very weird noises.  
  
Clark: Oh, let me have a look. *notices all the hair in the sink* Does this have anything to do with it?  
  
Teensie 4: That's just my stubble.  
  
Clark: Oh my God. *mutters "This is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen since I saw Uglette doing that thing"* Er, anyway, I think I can fix your little problem here.  
  
*Clark looks at the faucet, then rips the entire pipe clear from the wall*  
  
Teensie 4: You know, you'll have to pay for repairs.  
  
Clark: Nothing a little super glue can't fix. Aha! Here's your problem. A black Lum's caught in here. Let me just pull it out.  
  
*Clark pulls Andre out of the pipe with little effort*  
  
Teensie 4: ANDRE!  
  
Andre: *gasp* Thank you.  
  
Teensie 4: ARGH! SOUND THE ALARM! ANDRE IS IN THE BUILDING!  
  
Clark: Can I get paid now?  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK AT HOODLUM HEADQUARTERS  
  
Heckler: Okay. I've composed a team of elite Hoodlums to lead our army in Lord Andre's absence. It will be composed of myself, that Hoodboom, that Hoodblaster and that Spinneroo.  
  
Spinneroo: Oh no you don't! Get away from me!  
  
Hoodblaster: Paranoid little thing. Anyway, what do you propose we do about the pirate situation?  
  
Heckler: The Hoodlums we have are fine, sure, but they'll find a way to correct the Destroyer Pirate's horrible weakness. We need new weapons! Ones that can penetrate cobalt!  
  
Hoodboom: How about an H2SO4 shooter?  
  
Spinneroo: H2S. what?  
  
Hoodboom: *sigh* a sulfuric acid shooter.  
  
Heckler: Great idea! But, how do we make one?  
  
Hoodblaster: And where the heck are we going to get sulfuric acid?  
  
Hoodboom: We make it ourselves!  
  
Spinneroo: Where do we get the components?  
  
Hoodboom: You see, uh, I really,  
  
Hoodblaster: Yeah, smarty pants! And how do we know we're getting the correct amount of molecules without an electron microscope?  
  
Hoodboom: Guys, please,  
  
Heckler: I've heard enough! Stop it! We'll figure it out eventually!  
  
Spinneroo: Eventually? EVENTUALY??? That could take years! We don't have that time!  
  
Hoodblaster: Whatever is good we fight with!  
  
Hoodboom: Come on man! We need new, imaginative weapons!  
  
Hoodblaster: Enough! *fires at the Hoodboom, but the Heckler jumps in front of the shot, blocking it*  
  
Spinneroo: Oh, you're siding with him now!  
  
Heckler: This behavior is unacceptable! You must be punished! *fires his cannon at the Spinneroo, who simply gets pushed back a bit*  
  
Hoodblaster: You moron!  
  
Hoodboom: You want a piece of me?  
  
*All the Hoodlums begin to attack each other. But, shortly after the little battle starts, the Heckler hits a pipe leading straight to the main factory reactor, rupturing it*  
  
Alarm: WARNING! COOLING UNIT CRITICAL! EXPLOSION IMMINENT IN TWENTY-SEVEN SECONDS!  
  
Hoodblaster: Now you've done it! Let's get out of here before this place explodes!  
  
Heckler: I'm sorry fellas, it's just I get so mad when you talk to me like that!  
  
Hoodboom: Well, we're too far away from the main exit, so let's make our last seconds a good one.  
  
Alarm: EXPLOSION IN NINETEEN SECONDS!  
  
Spinneroo: I'm so sorry, man.  
  
Heckler: Me too.  
  
*All the Hoodlums in the command room give themselves a big group hug. Meanwhile, the rest of the Hoodlums are in a downright panic*  
  
Alarm: EXPLOSION IN TWELVE SECONDS!  
  
Slapdash: Oh man, we gotta get out of here!  
  
Hoodstormer: We can't! The exits are all shut off by falling rubble!  
  
Alarm: EXPLOSION IN EIGHT SECONDS!  
  
Hoodstormer: Wait, I have an idea. Drop the puncher and grab onto me! We'll escape through that hole in the roof!  
  
*The Slapdash abandons his weapon and clings onto the Hoodstormer. The two fly out of the hole*  
  
Alarm: EXPLOSION IN TWO SECONDS!  
  
*All the Hoodlums give one last scream before the reactor core fails and explodes. The Slapdash and Hoodstormer both watch from a safe point away from the factory as the mighty headquarters of the Hoodlums burns and collapses. No Hoodlums trapped inside the factory even had a chance of survival, and the black Lums controlling them had no escape route either*  
  
Hoodstormer: Surely this is the work of anarchy.  
  
Slapdash: If only Lord Andre was here.  
  
MEANWHILE, ABOARD RAZORBEARD'S PIRATE SHIP  
  
Pirate 4: Sir! We have just received word that the Hoodlum factory is destroyed and all its soldiers burned!  
  
Razorbeard: Huh? *jumps in the air* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Break out the oil and gold shiner, we're staying up all night!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	9. The Agony Of Delete

CHAPTER 9: The Agnoy Of Delete  
  
*After being deleted from existence, Globox and the four Teensies find themselves floating in a field of black*  
  
Globox: This is boring.  
  
Teensie 1: Stupid Murfy! We should have just broken the screen and crawled out.  
  
Grand Minimus: Okay. Are we dead or something?  
  
Globox: There's absolutely nothing here!  
  
Teensie 2: Hey guys, do you notice that weird light coming towards us?  
  
*cue cheesy bass drum solo*  
  
Globox: It's getting closer! And closer! And closer! AND CLOSER!  
  
Light: Yes, I'm getting closer!  
  
Everyone: CLOSER AND CLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!  
  
Teensie 3: I knew this was going to happen.  
  
*The light engulfs the five and they emerge in a floating room full of psychedelic colors*  
  
Globox: So here I was, in a strange world, after the blue screen, comes a new challenge.  
  
Teensie 1: Ha ha ha ha hahahahahaha!  
  
Teensie 2: With a bunch of you fools, you got us into this mess, now think hard, where's an e-mail address!  
  
Everyone but Teensie 2: An e-mail address?  
  
*The drum solo stops. The background turns into a bunch of flying envelopes*  
  
Background: You've got mail! You-you've got mail! You've you-you-you-you- you've got mail!  
  
Globox: Stupid AOL ripoffs!  
  
*One envelope flies closer and eats the five*  
  
Envelope: Yum.  
  
Globox: Where are we?  
  
Teensie 1: Hard to tell.  
  
Grand Minimus: If we could only get into another computer, we might be saved.  
  
???: You want an e-mail address?  
  
Teensie 2: Huh? Who said that?  
  
???: It was us, the ones and zeros! The bits of the bits!  
  
*A whole bunch of 1s and 0s come out*  
  
1s: We can get you out!  
  
0s: But it won't be easy.  
  
1s: We'll visit the Motherboard.  
  
0s: But she won't be happy!  
  
Teensie 3: Who is this Motherboard that you speak of?  
  
1s and 0s: Who is the Motherboard? You didn't know?  
  
Globox: Is she an all-powerful being which can restore us to our former selves?  
  
1s: Not a being, dumbell!  
  
0s: She's a machine, bonehead.  
  
???: Heh heh heh, I'm hungry!  
  
1s and 0s: Oh no! A computer virus!  
  
*A large virus comes*  
  
Virus: Crunchy! I need filling! First the bits, then the board!  
  
Globox: STOP!  
  
Grand Minimus: You can't harm them.  
  
Virus: And who are you?  
  
Teensie 1: We got deleted!  
  
Virus: Really? AND I LOVE RECYCLE BIN TRASH, TOO!  
  
*The virus chases Globox and the Teensies around the room, but gets obstructed*  
  
Virus: Who are you?  
  
Antivirus: I am an antivirus program! I will rub you out like the bug you are!  
  
*The Virus and Antivirus start fighting*  
  
Globox: Psst! Bits! How do we escape?  
  
1s and 0s: Look behind you!  
  
*Globox turns his head and sees a gigantic door with EXIT written in huge letters*  
  
Teensie 3: How did we miss that?  
  
Grand Minimus: We must have just plain not seen it.  
  
*Globox and the Teensies run through the exit, only to reappear in a reenactment of the original Rayman 1*  
  
Globox: What? Where the heck are we?  
  
Teensie 1: And why did my limbs just disappear?  
  
Teensie 3: I'm in 2D?  
  
Grand Minimus: This looks like a situation only the great Polokus can solve. Let me contact him.  
  
*Grand Minimus tries to contact Polokus via telepathy, but he starts screaming, gets thrown back and crashes into a rock*  
  
Teensie 2: What happened?  
  
Grand Minimus: "Sorry, the number you have tried to contact is unavailable, please try again in four years". Strange, I can't contact him. The psychic shock proably sent me hurling into this rock.  
  
Globox: Hey guys, doesn't that look like Rayman?  
  
Teensie 2: Huh? Hey, it does!  
  
Globox: Hey, Rayman! Good to see you're up and running again!  
  
Rayman: Huh? Who are you guys?  
  
Grand Minimus: Why, it's Globox and the Teensies!  
  
Rayman: Globox? Teensies? Sorry, never heard of ya!  
  
Globox: Come on Rayman, I know you're joking. Maybe this will refresh your memory!  
  
*Globox slaps Rayman across the face. Rayman hiccups, then splits into a bunch of Electoons and flies into the sky*  
  
Teensie 2: What the?  
  
*Meanwhile, the player outside the computer stares in surpsise*  
  
Player: Huh? Who are these guys? There's nothing in the manual about a big blue hippo and four small white midgets! I better tell Ubisoft about this!  
  
Globox: Oh man! If Ubisoft finds out about this, our creator will change his ideas and we'll never exist!  
  
Teensie 3: We gotta get out of here and back to the present!  
  
*Globox and the Teensies start banging on the monitor, which catches the player's eye as he's dialing Ubisoft's number*  
  
Player: Oh! I must have a virus! Time to go Ctrl-Alt-Delete with you!  
  
All inside the computer: Oh no! Not again!  
  
*The buttons are pressed. Globox and the Teensies are spat out back into cyberspace*  
  
Teensie 2: Look! Another exit door!  
  
Globox: It must be the way out!  
  
*The five go through the door only to emerge in a game of Worms 2*  
  
Teensie 3: This doesn't look good.  
  
*Several hours later, the five got blasted in Worms 2, thrown off a cliff in Lemmings, torched in Diablo, shocked in JetPack, impaled in Half-Life and used for a bet in a casino website*  
  
Globox: Man, I look like a wreck! Uglette will kill me when we get back!  
  
Teensie 1: That's IF we get back.  
  
Teensie 3: I'm cracking up! I'm sick of getting pounded in some game then getting Ctrl-Alt-Deleted afterwards!  
  
Grand Minimus: I'm going insane!  
  
Globox: Oh look, another exit sign! This might be our lucky day!  
  
Teensie 2: Oh no, I'm not going to get crashed again. Let me try this.  
  
*Teensie 2 takes out a pen and writes "To Rayman 4: Baddies Unite, Chapter 10"*  
  
Teensie 2: Let's hope this works.  
  
Globox: When I get back, Murfy is so going to get it.  
  
*The five enter the door*  
  
Grand Minimus: What happens if we don't get back?  
  
Teensie 1: Then we stay in cyberspace and rule all the computers in the universe, what else?  
  
Globox: Sounds like a plan. Hey, I see light!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	10. Restoration and Attack

---Sorry if this chapter isn't very funny, but this is supposed to be an Action/Adventure story as well---  
  
CHAPTER 10: Restoration and Attack (not a good combo)  
  
*Globox and the four Teensies reach the end of the portal and appear, luckily, in a computer somewhere in the Fairy Council. Meanwhile, we join Teensie 4, who seems to be browsing his favorite site*  
  
Teensie 4: Blah, new poll, new e-card. Hey! The Teensies aren't the funniest character! This is an outrage! I'll cause a riot on the forums!  
  
LOGIN  
  
USERNAME: ultimateteensie_4  
  
PASSWORD: iruleudont  
  
-  
  
RAYMAN 3 BOARD  
  
POST NEW MESSAGE  
  
TOPIC: teh teensies rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111  
  
MESSAGE: us teensies rule we are so good we are the funniest!!!!11111111111111 globox and murfy and andre are all lame i and the other teensies are the best we rule j00 all if you say this is spam i will kill you all good day now  
  
POLL QUESTION: do us teensies rule??????????/////////////  
  
OPTION 1: yea  
  
OPTION 2: no (check this if ur a retard)  
  
OPTION 3: ya the teensies definatly rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111  
  
Teensie 4: There! This should spread the word quite nicely.  
  
YOU HAVE JUST RECEIVED A NEW PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM globoxandteendiesincyberspace  
  
Teensie 4: Huh? Globox and Teensies in cyberspace? Quite a long handle. Let's see what it says.  
  
MESSAGE: Help! Get us out of here! It's us, Globox, Grand Minimus and Teensies 1 to 3! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllpppppppppppp!!!!!!!!  
  
Teensie 4: Oh man! This looks serious! Time to go Ctrl-Alt-Delete.  
  
Author: Hey! Do that and your character is gone!  
  
Teensie 4: Ack! I'm sorry! Well, I think someone should have a look at this.  
  
*Teensie 4 leaves, only to return a few minutes later with Murfy*  
  
Murfy: Eh? So Globox and the Teensies are still alive after all! Okay. Let's print the message and throw it into the Heart. That should get them back.  
  
*The message is printed and is tossed into the Heart of the World. Globox and the Teensies pop out seconds later*  
  
Teensie 2: Awwww! I wanted to stay in cyberspace and rule all the computers in the universe!  
  
Grand Minimus: We're back! Yeehaw!  
  
Globox: Murfy. You stupid little circus reject. You caused us to go through that whole confusing voyage!  
  
Murfy: Um, er, well, let me make a deal. If I can bring Rayman back to, will you forget it all happened?  
  
Globox: Okay, I guess. Where is he, anyway?  
  
Teensie 4: He's right through this door.  
  
*Everyone enters the door. They can see Rayman lying on a rock with a life support system attached to him*  
  
Teensie 4: How is he coming, doctors?  
  
Otto: Rayman is getting worse! I don't think we'll be able to keep him alive much longer.  
  
Romeo: Like, you see, the poison from the detergent is totally clouding his brain. He'll be nothing but a vegetable soon.  
  
Murfy: Well, it worked once.  
  
*Murfy grabs Rayman*  
  
Anna Lyse: Huh? What in the name of Ssssam are you doing with him? Put him back!  
  
Murfy: I hope this works.  
  
*Murfy tosses Rayman into the Heart of the World. It begins to make a gurgling sound*  
  
Globox: Nice work!  
  
Otto: Ack! The energy from the Heart might be too much for his system to handle!  
  
*The Heart spits Rayman out*  
  
Grand Minimus: Rayman! Can you hear me?  
  
Rayman: *waking up* Ugh. What a terrible nightmare. First I get kicked out of the Teensie Tavern, then I get blasted with some expired detergent.  
  
Globox: Yeah, nightmare. YOU HAD A NIGHTMARE? You wouldn't believe what I just went through!  
  
Murfy: See? My plan worked! Oh yeah! Am I the greatest or what?  
  
Anna Lyse: So? I would have thought of that ev  
  
*The group meeting gets inturrupted by a loud explosion outside*  
  
Teensie 5: Rayman! Good to see you up again! We've got a situation outside! It seems Razorbeard is giving us a surprise attack.  
  
Grand Minimus: The feind! Activate all Teensie defense systems and get whatever weapons you can salvage from the storage chamber.  
  
*Globox, Murfy and Rayman all run outside to see the attack. The Buccaneer, many warships and countless Robo-Pirates are firing at the Fairy Council*  
  
Murfy: Well shoot! This is just what we need!  
  
Globox: Well, as long as we have out defense systems, we'll be okay. Right? Right? RIGHT???  
  
Murfy: Please don't wet yourself. That joke is getting so old.  
  
*A squadron of laser cannons roll in behind the Robo-Pirate forces, each manned by a Teensie*  
  
Squad Leader: Prepare to fire on my mark. Aim at the warships.  
  
MEANWHILE, ABOARD THE BUCCANEER (RAZORBEARD'S PIRATE SHIP)  
  
Razorbeard: Mwahahaha! With those Hoodlums gone, nothing can stop us from conquering the Heart and gaining control of this world once again!  
  
Pirate 4: Sir, our scanners show that many enemy cannons have appeared directly behind warship 56. Requesting permission to deploy the Destroyer Pirate.  
  
Razorbeard: Do it! Those punks will regret ever coming across me!  
  
*The Destroyer Pirate is launched out of the bottom of the ship*  
  
Squad Leader: Wait! New target! Concentrate all fire on that large Robo- Pirate. Ready, FIRE!  
  
*All the cannons fire at the Destroyer Pirate. It recoils, but manages to lift its arm cannon. It fires an energy blast at one of the cannons, causing it to explode*  
  
Rayman: We gotta do something! They'll destroy the entire council!  
  
Murfy: Okay. Do you remember how you destroyed the Buccaneer in Rayman 2?  
  
Rayman: Yeah, the Grolgoth self-destructed. But that isn't going to happen again.Globox! I need ideas here!  
  
Globox: This is just unbearable!!! AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!! *runs away*  
  
Murfy: Yeah, great help you are. I'm wondering why Ly isn't coming! Shouldn't she be helping us at a time like this?  
  
Rayman: I haven't got the slightest clue where she is!  
  
Murfy: I think it's about time we dealt about those guys who are coming towards us.  
  
Rayman: Okay. Time to fight!  
  
*Murfy and Rayman begin to attack a group of Robo-Pirates who are trying to enter the council. Meanwhile, after taking multiple blows, the Destroyer Pirate finally falls over and lies, motionless*  
  
Squad Leader: Well, that was easy.  
  
Cannonade 1: Easy? EASY? We lost half our forces to that thing!  
  
Squad Leader: Meh. It happens. Well, aim at that warship there.  
  
Cannonade 2: Units 4, 12, 16 and 21 are locked on.  
  
Squad Leader: Fire!  
  
*The four cannons blast the warship, causing it to fall in flames*  
  
Razorbeard: What's going on out there?  
  
Pirate 4: Uh, they've terminated the Destroyer Pirate and sank warship 56. We might have a few problems since our warships can't react fast enough to those cannons!  
  
Razorbeard: INFIDEL! *takes a sword and cuts Pirate 4 down the middle* Well, it's time we took this situation seriously! Aim the heavy artillery at the council. Now let's see them stop us!  
  
*The Buccaneer begins to charge a cannon that will fire a stream of energy. All the Robo-Pirates and warships begin to retreat*  
  
Rayman: Oh no! This is looking hopeless!  
  
Murfy: Rayman, in case we die, I have to admit, I stole your orange juice two months ago.  
  
Rayman: Aw, don't think, wait a minute, THAT WAS YOU???  
  
*The Buccaneer prepares to fire the cannon at the council.*  
  
Razorbeard: I shall finally get my revenge against that Rayfreak and his stupid friends!  
  
Mr. Dark: Nice.  
  
Razorbeard: Huh? What the? How'd you get past security?  
  
Mr. Dark: I can appear anywhere I well please. Now, it's time I got MY revenge!  
  
*Mr. Dark takes his staff and slams it against the ground. All systems on the Buccaneer fail, and the ship crashes to the ground*  
  
Razorbeard: What did you just do? Stop this at once!  
  
Mr. Dark: And now, the final act.  
  
*Mr. Dark waves his staff out the window, the ground cracks and the Dark Spirits find their way into the ship. They consume and possess every pirate on the ship, except for Razorbeard*  
  
Razorbeard: That's it! *slashes his sword at Mr. Dark, but there is no effect*  
  
Mr. Dark Uh unh! We mustn't do that. Soldiers! Take him prisoner.  
  
*A squad of Antitoons comes into Razorbeard's room and begins to carry him off. Mr. Dark takes all the pirates and they exit the ship, right in full view of Rayman and Murfy*  
  
Rayman: Dark! I haven't seen you in, what, eight years!  
  
Mr. Dark: So nice to see you again. You must be the aspiring Greenbottle I read so much about.  
  
Murfy: Who are you calling a Greenbottle? I'm a ^**#*!)$*^(#)@)$(&^*#)$(&#%&$%&, but that's hard to pronounce, so I just called myself Murfy. And that's what you shall call me!  
  
Mr. Dark: Whatever. Seize them!  
  
*The possessed pirates grab and cage Murfy, while they hold their arm guns at Rayman*  
  
Mr. Dark: Take me to your time machine! Bring us back to 1995! NOW!  
  
Rayman: Come on! You must be joking!  
  
*Mr. Dark calls his Antitoons, who carry out the trapped Ly in her electrical prison*  
  
Mr. Dark: Take me or the fairy gets it. *points his staff at Ly*  
  
Ly: Rayman! They have taken all my powers!  
  
Rayman: Ly! But, I can't let them!  
  
Ly: You must do what is right for our world!  
  
*Meanwhile, Globox watches the entire scene from a safe spot*  
  
Globox: Oh man, what should I do at a time like this? I gotta be brave, gotta be brave, I must get that Polokus guy to help me, but how?  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	11. Temporal Time Travel Tremors

**CHAPTER 11: Temporal Time Travel Tremors**

Globox: What do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I-

-Murfy appears and smacks Globox in the face-

Globox: AAH! What in the… how'd you escape from that cage?

Murfy: The door was unlocked.

Globox: Erm…

Murfy: Guess those Dark Spirits downgraded them. I even heard one start crying about an illegal operation and a fatal error in colonel 32, whatever that may be.

Globox: Huh, really? Anyway, we need to get to the Heart and contact Polokus to get rid of these guys! I know a secret entrance, so follow me!

-Globox and Murfy fly towards and roof of the Fairy Council. Meanwhile, we join Ray--

Globox: You know what? I just realized I can't fly.

Murfy: Uh-oh.

…

…

…

Murfy: Um, hello?

Globox: Nothing's happening.

Murfy: This is weird. Usually it's the Author's job to make sure everything goes smoothly.

Globox: Best not to ask questions. I kinda like flying, anyway. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

-Ahem. Meanwhile, we join Rayman, who is walking slowly into the Fairy Council, the pirates still holding him at gunpoint-

Mr. Dark: Ah, excellent. The time machine I used to get here shouldn't be too far away.

Rayman: What time machine?

Mr. Dark: As powerful as I am, I can't travel through time by myself.

Rayman: Oh, come on! Anyone can travel through time!

Mr. Dark: What? That's impossible!

Rayman: Fine, Mr. I Can't Do Anything, then I'm not telling you the secret!

Mr. Dark: I never said… but… ah, to heck with it. Show me!

Rayman: I will now say the magic words, so listen carefully! Iwillnoteatgreeneggsandham iamnotsamiam ajediyouwillbeifyoufeeltheforce myfellowamericansicannotbelievetherearetwoscoopsineverybox!

-Everyone stares at Rayman-

Mr. Dark: Nothing happened.

Rayman: We travelled through time. Don't you feel it?

-All the pirates begin to get confused-

Mr. Dark: No.

Rayman: But it's true! We travelled ten seconds into the future!

Mr. Dark: …You wasted my time for THAT?

-All the pirates begin to utter the "magic words"-

Mr. Dark: Hey, stop that this instant! Those are not magic words, they are just gibberish to act as a distraction to fool you and distract me by trying to stop you from being distracted by a distraction that disctracted us all! …Wait a minute, IT DISTRACTED ME!

-Mr. Dark turns around, only to see a sign that says "SUCKER!" planted into the ground where Rayman used to be-

Mr. Dark: Oh, for the love of… bah, who needs him. I can travel back in time all by myself! Come, my reprogrammed idiots! To 1995!

-Mr. Dark and the possessed pirates continue to head deeper into the Fairy Council-

Rayman: That was too close! I hate to imagine what would happen if I warped back to 1995 again. Now, there's only one solution. I can't charge in and rough them up, so I have to reach the Heart and contact Polokus to correct everything!

-Rayman, running through the council, doesn't watch where he's going and bumps into Andre-

Andre: Oh no, not you!

Rayman: Oh no, not you!

Teensies: Oh no, not you!

Rayman: Who?

Teensies: Who indeed!

Andre: Go!

-Andre flies away, the Teensies in hot pursuit-

Rayman: Who is who? Well, no time to waste.

-Rayman continues to head towards the Heart, when Globox and Murfy crash through the ceiling in front of him-

Globox: You and your stupid shortcuts!

Murfy: Well, had we only taken that right turn at that giant orb, we would have made it by now!

Rayman: Um, what's going on?

Murfy: Rayman! Glad to see you again. We were trying to reach the Heart and contact Polokus!

Rayman: So was I! Mr. Dark and the pirates are heading towards his so-called time machine!

Globox: Hey Rayman, I've been thinking. While we were waiting for the Author to update, I looked back at the fanfic and found out that Mr. Dark was poofed here by his cronies in 1995 and didn't use a time machine at all.

Murfy: SHUT UP!

Globox: But it's true! So that means there's no time machine!

Rayman: Oh no! HIT THE DECK!

Globox: What?

…

…

…

Globox: What are we hiding from?

Rayman: Strange… the Author should have come to punish you for exposing plotholes.

Globox: Oh, right. Did I mention I can fly now?

Rayman: Where's the Author? Has this entire place gone mad?

Murfy: No time to figure things out now. Come on!

-Rayman, Murfy and Globox head towards the Heart. Unfortunately, they make a wrong turn and end up in………………………………………………-

…

…

…

We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

…

…

…

Testing, testing, one two three. Can you see me?

Yeah.

…

…

…

Power restored.

There, that's better.

Let's get on with it already!

Hey, who are you, anyway?

I, uh… don't know?

Uh… look! Five bucks!

MONEY!

There. Now that he's out of the way…

-…the most gruesome place on the planet, the one, the only, grand chamber of…………………………….-

Warning: Excess particles detected. Shutdown imminent.

Excess what? Oh crud.

…

…

…

Power surge.

………………………………….

**CHAPTER 17: The Key to it All**

Globox: -holding a rocket launcher- Hurry it up, men! We must recover the key before Mr. Dark and his supergiant mutant radioactive Robo-Pirates acquire the… hey, what the heck just happened?

Murfy: Weren't we about to reach the Heart?

Author: That's what I thought, too.

Rayman: Oh, NOW you show up! Where were you the last two years?

Author: I was in the bathroom! Sheesh, give me a break!

Murfy: What were you doing in there that lasted two years?

Author: Do you really want to know?

Murfy: Well, seeing as where things are going, yes, I have every right to know!

Author: Fine. It started with a gigantic tub of Extra Gassy Beans followed by a generous serving of Uncle Flatulence's Chilli, and then topped off with-

Murfy: On second thought, maybe I don't. What happened?

Author: Well, when I got back, Mr. Dark had just screwed up the space-time continuum and changed the history of the series. As the scientists call it, we had a classic case of TTTT!

Globox: TTTT? Huh? But I could fly and reveal plotholes!

Author: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM!

Rayman: Could we just get going?

Murfy: Good idea. Now, where were we?

Globox: Okay… somehow it's strange that I know all the words that are coming up, but whatever. …ultimate doomsday weapon!

Murfy: We can't do this all alone. We need to enlist the aid of Andre and the Hoodlums!

Rayman: Ever since the Iron Mountain Treaty, we're on their side. It was the best decision I ever made.

Globox: Until then… CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!

-Globox, Murfy and Rayman run towards a gigantic tank in an explosion-scorched field-

Author: Good. Now that I'm back in charge, I can rebuild this fanfic from the bottom up. Until then, enjoy the new plot!

TO BE CONTINUED…


	12. Rayman Three Point One: Hoodlum ReHavoc

**CHAPTER chapter #: (Untitled)**

Author: Well, seeing as how this new plot obviously doesn't make a whole lot of sense, let's see what I can do.

Grand Minimus: Do you want my opinion?

Author: What in the… how'd you get here?

Grand Minimus: You're the author, you should know.

Author: Um, right. Anyway, things should be back to normal soon enough. While you wait, why not enjoy some random mayhem?

…

Teensie 3: Ow! My evil twin brother's cousin's roommate's second best friend from Jupiter's aunt's godfather's second cousin twice removed just poked me in the eye!

Clark: Whoops, sorry.

…

Globox: Um, hi… I've, uh… got a joke. Why did the, er… chicken cross… uh… the, er… road? ……..Because, uh… roads taste good?

Bartender: Get off the stage, you freaking maniac! -throws a buoy at Globox-

Joe: Ahem?

Bartender: Aw, jeez, what a mood killer!

…

Razorbeard: I'm so alone… I'm so alone… I'm so alone…

Pirate 1: You still have me!

Razorbeard: Oh, right. -blows Pirate 1's head off- I'm so alone…

…

Murfy: I'm bored.

Clyde: So am I.

Murfy: What the… Clyde? What are YOU doing here?

Clyde: Well, I was just in the neighborhood, and-

Murfy: You're in the wrong fanfic, stupid. Go back to TGF where you belong!

Clyde: Aw… you're no fun…

…

Author: Yep, any minute now…

Grand Minimus: This is the lamest excuse for a convoluted plot device I've ever seen.

Author: Great, a critic. As if I don't have enough problems already.

Black Lums: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Author: Yep, any minute now… ah, there we go. Mr. Dark's character has been removed, and we can get back down to business.

Angry Fans: WHY? HOW COULD YOU?

Author: Freaking critics!

…

…

…

**CHAPTER 12: Rayman 3.1: Hoodlum ReHavoc**

Rayman: So, as I was saying, that's how I defeated the evil Mr. Dark, the vengeful Razorbears and the menace Andre.

Globox: Who are you talking to?

Rayman: Nobody, apparently. I wish the Teensie Tavern hadn't banned me. That tale would have left everyone in awe, and possibly gotten me a few free drinks!

Globox: But what about your lack of an esopha-

Rayman: Don't even say it.

Murfy: Ah, don't despair. I'm sure that bartender will have a change of heart soon enough.

Rayman: Really? You think so?

Murfy: No, I don't. I've been meaning to zing you with that one for days!

-drum solo-

Globox: Hey Rayman, I want to know something. I know Mr. Dark was deleted from existence by the Author and Razorbeard just flew away or something, but what happened to Andre?

-FREEZE FRAME-

Author: I'll give all of you a free pie if you don't ask any questions about Razorbeard or how they know that I deleted Mr. Dark, okay?

Angry Fans: OH BOY! PIE!

Author: Yeah, I just wanted to clear that up. Thanks.

-CONTINUE-

Rayman: Well, I remember Andre being chased down a hallway by the Teensies, so I assume me blocking his way slowed him down enough for him to be captured. What could go wrong?

-Suddenly, the entire Fairy Council shakes-

Murfy: Don't ever say "what could go wrong" ever again. That always causes disaster.

Globox: Ah, it was probably just an earthquake or something. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

-Andre is seen flying out of the Fairy Council-

Murfy: Again, don't say that.

Rayman: Okay, this doesn't look good. I'd better check this out.

-Rayman runs into the Fairy Council and bumps into one of the Teensies that was chasing Andre-

Rayman: What happened? Why did Andre escape?

Teensie 5: Well, we had the guy cornered, when suddenly a pie appeared out of nowhere. I was hungry, so, well, I ate it and he kinda escaped. Sorry.

Rayman: A pie appeared from nowhere?

Teensie 5: Yeah. I wonder if me being Angry Fan #73 had anything to do with it?

Rayman: Nah, that couldn't be it.

-Another earthquake ensues. Grand Minimus comes charging down the hallway-

Grand Minimus: It's a disaster! We're all in big trouble!

Rayman: Calm down! What happened?

Grand Minimus: Andre suddenly came out of nowhere and flew into the Heart! It was terrible!

Rayman: WHAT? But what about the glass wall?

Grand Minimus: Well, see, we were bored, so I got a baseball and-

Rayman: The earthquake must have shattered it!

Grand Minimus: Wait, but… oh, right, sure, the earthquake. Let's go with that. Anyway, we have no time to lose! Soon, the entire Fairy Council will be overflowing with…

-A huge, buzzing black cloud flies right past them and out the main entrance-

Grand Minimus: Black Lums…

Rayman: Oh no! Andre's at it again! I must stop him!

-Rayman runs out the door-

Teensie 5: What is it with that stupid baseball, anyway?

Grand Minimus: I was bored, okay?

MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE…

Andre: Come, my new bretheren! While I was only able to create so many of you, it'll still be enough to rule this world once and for all!

Rayman: Stop, you fiend!

Andre: Ah, Rayman! Just as I expected. You may have destroyed my factory once, but I won't let you do it again! To the headquarters!

Rayman: What are you talking about? Your new HQ blew up four chapters ago! How could you miss it?

Andre: I… he… wait… it blew up?

Rayman: Yes!

Andre: …Clearly you're responsible for this!

Rayman: Wait, it wasn't me this time! I swear!

Andre: Lies, all lies! Come, my brothers! Let's build our third headquarters and amass a force so great that even the great Rayman will tremble beneath it!

Black Lums: Awright! We rul! U loose, Ryman!

-Andre and the Black Lums fly towards the Summit Beyond the Clouds. Globox and Murfy catch up with Rayman-

Murfy: What in the name of Yellow Lum #847 happened?

Rayman: Andre's at it again! He just got a whole bunch of new Black Lums and plans to try and take over the world again!

Globox: Not again!

Rayman: I'm afraid so. You know what this means, don't you?

Murfy: -sigh- Let me get the manual…

Globox: Oh, no! Not another adventure!

Rayman: Don't worry, you won't have to hide in a barrel of plum juice with my hands again.

Murfy: Ah, here it is. Since I've got no choice, let's start from scratch.

Globox: I probably should be elsewhere, so bye.

-Globox runs off-

Murfy: Let's see here, it says you hit the jump button in order to jump. Also, you need to hit the attack button in order to attack. What a surprise. Tell me, what loser actually gets pleasure from writing this dreck?

Author/Manual: Quiet, you!

Murfy: Whatever.

Rayman: Well, I'd better tone my skills… again.

Murfy: Let's see what else is in here… hmm, it says this quest won't be so easy. Ooh, aah. That's what it thought about Rayman 3, too.

Rayman: Wait… is this technically Rayman 4?

Murfy: No, it says we're in Rayman 3.1 right now.

Rayman: Um, okay.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	13. The Two Heroes

**CHAPTER 13: The Two Heroes**

-Several minutes later, after going through the entire training session in the Fairy Council outskirts for a second time, Rayman and Murfy end up at the front door of the council-

Rayman: Well, here we are again. I suppose now it's time to go inside through a bunch of completely pointless and meaningless rooms before we finally reach the Heart that can't protect itself from an earthquake.

Murfy: Absolutely. I'm just wondering, why haven't we seen any Black Lums yet? Judging by what happened back there, this place should be swarming with them.

Rayman: No big deal. Just makes my job easier.

Murfy: I guess it does. No time to waste then.

-Rayman and Murfy go through the front door-

LEVEL SCORE: 6

-

Rayman: Ugh, is it going to do that every time?

Murfy: -sigh- Yes, EVERY time…

Rayman: I'll find a way to stop it later. Right now, I need to reach the Heart before...uh… what am I trying to beat again?

Murfy: Hmm, good question. Now that I think about it, they're probably all back at the mountain range by now. I suppose this entire trip was absolutely and utterly pointless.

Rayman: Oh well. Here we go again.

Murfy: Yep.

-Suddenly, an entire gang of Hoodblasters blast through a wall, grab Rayman and drag him off-

Murfy: Wow… can this day get any weirder? I just need some Elixir of Life right now.

A FEW MINUTES LATER…

-The Hoodblasters drop Rayman into a chair inside a very dark room-

Rayman: What is the meaning of this?

Hoodblaster 1: You're gonna be put on trial for blowing up our headquarters.

Hoodblaster 2: Yeah! That was so mean!

Rayman: It wasn't me!

Hoodblaster 3: Right, suuuuuuure it wasn't. Andre said so, and Lord Andre is always right!

Rayman: Great. I've got a gang of right wing mongrels after me.

Hoodblaster 1: We don't have wings! We have arms! Man, you are stupid!

Rayman: Oh, just forget it.

-Suddenly, the lights come on. Rayman can now see that he is inside a giant courtroom, with thousands of Hoodlums watching. Twelve random Black Lums serve as the jury. A Spinneroo (obviously acting as a bailiff) walks up-

Spinneroo: The honorable Lord Andre residing. You hear that? He's coming! Praise him!

-Andre flies in, greeted by the thunderous cheering of the Hoodlums. He hovers above a gavel-

Andre: Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. Mindless drones. …Wait, did I just say that out loud? Ah, who cares. Anyway, Rayman, you're on trial for the destruction of the new Hoodlum Headquarters.

Rayman: How many times do I have to say this? I DIDN'T DO IT!

Andre: Oh, please. Have you even read this fanfic?

Rayman: If you did, you'd see that I didn't do it! Your own men, out of their own greed and corruption, did it!

Hoodboom/Lawyer: Objection!

Andre: Sustained.

Rayman: But that doesn't make any sense! I mean… even Globox knows that! What's wrong with you people?

Hoodboom/Lawyer: Objection!

Andre: Sustained.

Rayman: Oh, for the love of… come on, Author! You can make this all better, can't you?

Author: You'd also know that I couldn't divulge any precious secrets. Hello? Lawsuit?

Andre: See? Even your precious Author agrees with me! Jury, what is your verdict?

Black Lums: GILTY!

Rayman: You call yourself a jury? Guilty has a "u" in it!

Andre: SILENCE IN MY COURTROOM! Rayman, I have no choice but to… well, actually I do have a choice, but whatever. You're sentenced to fifty years of-

STOP!

Andre: What in the… who are you?

Hoodstormer: It's us!

Slapdash: The only two Hoodlums to survive the explosion of the previous HQ!

Andre: Excellent! This will give me actual proof! Improvising just seems so… hollow.

Hoodstormer: Rayman is inn-

-Suddenly, a huge rock dislodges from the ceiling, squashing the two flat-

Andre: Oh well. He was gonna say that you were inside when you planted a bomb and ran. Back to the trial…

Rayman: No! He was going to say that I was innocent! WHAT IS IT WITH THIS STUPID ANTICLIMATIC POPPYCOCK?

-Everyone gasps-

Andre: Whoa! Are you sure you can say that word here?

Rayman: Oh… I guess not.

Andre: Darn right. Now, for your sentence, which I've been simply dying to give ever since I met you, I sentence you to fifty years of septic tank duty!

Rayman: WHAT? NO! JUST TAKE ME OUT ALREADY!

Hoodblaster 2: Huh? But we don't have a-

Andre: Ix-nay on the eptic tank-say.

Rayman: This isn't justice! This is just crazy!

Andre: Well, duh. What do we look like, a bunch of high-class politicians to you?

Rayman: Well, not really, but you're just about as qualified as any of them.

-rimshot-

Rayman: So what do you really intend to do with me?

Andre: Septic tank duty. Were you even listening?

Rayman: You think I can't speak piglatin?

Andre: Aw, jeez! Fine. I sentence you to be shot by everyone.

Rayman: Crap! I never take the time to think these things through.

-As Rayman is being dragged out of the room, an explosion is heard-

Andre: Uh-oh! Hoodlums, be ready to defend our ground!

-A Teensie appears-

Teensie 6: Um, guys, you gotta get out of this room. We're fumigating it now.

-A large mass of green gas is seen descending upon the Hoodlums-

Andre: Oh, come on! Drat, I knew holding the trial in the Fairy Council itself was a bad idea.

Teensie 6: That reminds me. You're fifty thousand bucks in the hole. Pay up.

Andre: …You lucked out, Rayfreak. Come, my brothers! Let's just let this rube go and actually build a headquarters this time.

-Andre and all the Hoodlums exit-

Teensie 6: CHEAPSKATES! Rayman, you have to go after them! They're still in debt! Rayman? Hello?

-Rayman is unconscious on the ground-

Teensie 6: Oh right, the gas.

NOW THE STAKES HAVE BEEN RAISED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE HOODLUMS NOW THAT THE VERY BUDGET OF THE TEENSIES IS AT STAKE? JUST WHAT WAS THE HOODSTORMER REALLY GOING TO SAY? DO SURVEYS REALLY SHOW THAT YOU NEED A BRAIN TO LIVE? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT THRILLING CHAPTER OF-

Author: Hey, what do you think this is, Dragonball? We end a chapter with the standard note, you know! Say it or you're fired!

AW, BUT SAYING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN WAS SO BORING… OH, FINE. BUT I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO THE UNION ABOUT THIS! TO BE CONTINUED…

…LOUSY JERK.


End file.
